Never Underestimate Radical Vision

Laziness is a drug. It is easy to get your first fix. It is easy to trade so many good things to get your high. It is so easy to forgo plans to shoot yourself up one more time. I hate laziness. Laziness has prevented me from fulfilling so much potential. Laziness has left me a shell of what I could have been and still could be. I hate laziness. Laziness lets you accept the status quo. Laziness allows you to remain in the land of what could have been. Laziness is empty and yet quenches the thirst of fear; fear of success, fear of failure, fear of growing, fear of being different, fear of living.

I hate laziness, yet the ironic thing is I am too lazy to do anything about it.

I say we create an online vigilante group whose only purpose is to find trackback and comment spammers and beat them into a bloody pulp. If that doesn’t work, we will bore them to death listening to Ryan talk about the probability of finding a silver nickel in the bottom right corner of the 12-foot deep end of a random pool in America. If that still doesn’t work, we will let them laugh themselves to death while listening to Kent talk about this is the year the Cubs win it all. Who’s with me! They can take our blogs but they will never take our internet! Cheesecore, I know

“Oh… guys? Don’t stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.”

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There are a few things in this wide world that I just take for granted:

• When you throw things up in the air, they fall back down
• That no matter how hard I try I can’t fly
• That for every action there is a reaction
• That if you put trash in a trashcan the janitor will take it out, as it would be classified as trash

These are just a few simple truths that to me seem pretty solid. These are things you can count on, simple laws of everyday life. Yet as I have recently discovered, one of these laws, in reality, is just a theory. The law in question would be the following: If you put trash in a trashcan that the janitor will empty it for you. To make sure that the other so called laws are in fact just that I performed a few experiments, being the good scientist I am.

First, throwing a large cup of yogurt into the air will spatter all over your wife’s freshly vacuumed carpet. You will then have to spend the next five hours lick cleaning said carpet as she digs her heels into your spine while screaming, “And to think I could have married your brother!”

Secondly, no matter how many times you tell yourself that your Superman, you can not fly. What winds up happening is you look like a complete idiot standing on top of your child’s swing set, dressed in red underwear and yelling over and over again, “I am the next Superhero , I can fly and I am darn sexy in this outfit!” Only to realize seconds later, as you hit the ground breaking your arm, you were sadly mistaken. As a side note, neighbors do not particularly like you running around in red underwear and tend to file indecent exposure charges against you.

Thirdly, you can definitely get a reaction for an extremely up front action. For example, by walking up to a random person and calling his mother a stupid piece of @#!$% that couldn’t even afford to @$#%*#@!$^#% and might as well @#$%& while @*$!@#$ a donkey will most assuredly get your teeth knocked in. And this law is not gender biased. You will experience a mighty kick to the gonads if you walk up to a random women and express your interest in caressing her @!#$%^.

But oh how foolish was I on the final law! I should have realized that such a simple action would not necessarily be taken as law by others. Silly me! Let me give you some background information as to when I made such a discovery.

When discarding boxes that are lying on the floor at my current place of employment you must mark “TRASH” on them. This is so the janitor does not accidentally throw away your Enterprise version of JBuilder worth $5000. Why would such a valuable piece of software be located on the floor you ask? Well that is none of your business, so shut up! I actually like this rule very much. It clearly establishes what is and what is not trash that is lying around on your office floor. It also re-establishes that items should really be considered trash when you have deposited them in the tool known as the trashcan. Now I know I am not introducing any new concepts here. You may even be saying, “I already know this, isn’t this a fundamental law?” Ah hah, this is were you would be wrong!

The other day I received some lovely shipments from one of my favorite online stores, amazon.com. The boxes the items arrived in were small and could easily be deposited in the trashcan. I did so foolishly thinking that it would clearly mark them as trash. Well to make a long story slightly longer, the trash was not emptied the next day. Not only were the boxes not thrown away the trash that was beneath them was not taken out either. This was a problem as that particular trash had some left over lunch in it and was starting to smell. Besides the fact that some other form of life was currently growing out of the trash receptacle. This little adventure has proved that fundamental laws are only applicable to people who are not dumb. I will never again take such assumptions as law again.  I will truly cherish what fundamental laws we have left.

The lesson to learn from this little blurb is this:

Daily affirmation will not make you hair grow back, spandex is a privilege not a right and always wear a cup when telling a girl you would love to see her @#$%!.

“Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you’ll miss.”

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I am going to apologize early for this being on the technical end of posting. If you are interested in technology by all means proceed, if not, bugger off!

I have a bit of a lull currently and have been able to do a little research and discovery today. I having been looking into some open source Java projects like Tapestry, Lucene, Spring, etc. I love the Java community and how much they simply donate to the greater good. In reading a lot about these frameworks and how they are implemented in Java, I am reminded of a pet peeve I have with Java.

Why is the package structure (aka. namespace) a physical structure instead of a logical one?

This just absolutely annoys me! I would love to know why this design decision was made. It makes no sense to me. You would think the runtime would be able to handle this. I hate the fact that you have to have the physical folder structure to jar up a component set. Think about it for a second, once the classes are in the jar the packages basically become logical in nature. If anyone has any ideas or friends at Sun that could explain this I would be most appreciative.

Sorry for the technical nature but it bugs me. I want to know, help me out.

“And you: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland!”

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There are unwritten rules everywhere. You have unwritten rules in baseball, unwritten rules of the office and unwritten rules of male urinal etiquette. Picture the following scenario:

You have had three cups of delicious Papa New Guinea arabica coffee before 10:00 am. Your teeth are floating and you take that friendly stroll to the men’s restroom. As you walk in you see that the three urinals, that are separated nicely by metal dividers, are empty. Being the educated man in bathroom etiquette, you walk over to the farthest stalland proceed to do your business. Suddenly a man, whomay have also had too much coffee, walks in to the restroom to his business as well. He walks right up next to you and your brain screams, “CRAP, I HAVE JUST BEEN MIDDLE STALLED!” To make matters worse he decides to strike up a light conversation about politics or work.

This happens to me on more than one occasion in my current work environment. You ask who would do such a despicable atrocity? I will tell you, Human Resources, the bastions of all human behavior knowledge. You would think of all people they would know proper etiquette. Worst of all they want to talk to you about your work day, your goals, your dreams or your current progress with you latest project. I will tell you the current progress of my latest project:

“I AM TAKING A PISS, IT IS COMING OUT NICELY, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

The last thing on my mind while relieving myself is about my dreams, goals or the weather. All I am thinking about is getting out of there before some schmuck from HR wants to get buddy, buddy with me at the urinal. And if this wasn’t enough, they continue to talk to you as you walk out to wash your hands. What is wrong with these people!

Here are some simple rules to live by:

1. Never use the middle stall! Come back if all are occupied.
2. The only acceptable conversation is “How’s it going?” or “Whatz up?”
3. The only acceptable replies are “Fine” or “Nothing”

They are simple and to the point. If you want to have a discussion send me an Outlook meeting request so I can properly ignore it.

For those who may struggle with proper etiquette download the following zip file here. It is a shockwave exe (it does not have viruses but scan it anyway) that will help you know the proper behavior next time.

And by all means do not forget to wash your hands!

“Fascinating. Semmi, look at this. America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, you can throw out broken glass on the streets.”

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I have a dream! I have a dream that one day I will be able to hop in my car in the morning and go for a little drive. And in this dream this drive would take me to the land of milk, honey and espresso, the land of Starbucks. I would stroll up to the counter and order myself a Venti Caramel Mochaccino. I would be satisfied in my purchase. I would feel whole. The reason this is a dream is because….

….I LIVE IN THE CESSPOOL OF AMERICA!

I have to live in the only area with a population of over 100,00 people in a 20 mile radius that does not have a Starbucks! ( Note: if this is not true don’t let me know, just bite me ) Oh don’t you worry, we can have a billion Walmart stores each one block apart, we can have Billy Bob’s deep-fried pork fat, we can have every fast food joint in existence, but no Starbucks. I mean sure, I understand. They are just so rare. I mean they are not national or anything. Lord knows the Midwest doesn’t need another vice to add to the list that includes tobacco spit swallowing and incest. Just give me my Starbucks!

I am not even asking for a place that distributes high quality coffee. I would just take a simple Starbucks that servers up its average brew daily. Instead I have to travel 45 minutesfor the opportunity to purchase a Fudge Brownie Frappuccino and eat at Chili’s. Why do I subject myself to such torture? We aren’t even talking fine dining here.

I have anidea why we don’t have this glorious establishment. I think it is because they could not sell enough of their high priced, black gold to survive. I mean Joe Redneck is going to spend all his extra money on lottery tickets, the complete baseball card set of Nascar and Flat Tire beer. He does not have the extra green to buy cappuccino when he has got to budget in those weekly mullet trimmings, the inevitable trips to the dentist from performing too many backyard wrestling moves and the razor setthat will be used to shave the perfect 3 in his back hair in memory of the the late, great Dale Earnhardt. Let’s not forget the duds he will have to purchase, Big Smith overalls, a flannel shirt and John Deere baseball cap, so he can take his second cousin on a romantic date to Denny’s. What is left over is going to have to go for condoms so he can make sweet, passionate love to his cousin in front ofthe roaring light of a bug zapper, listening to Billy Ray Cyrus and drinking box wine. No time or money for a good cup of coffee there.

Man this place sucks. I am going to go shoot myself now.

After nine months of a personal hell, Pastor Mark Hyskell resigned as pastor from First Baptist Church of Carl Junction. Battered and bruised from the lies, the deceit, the power hungry, the unwillingness to accept change and the hypocritical love, I helped pack my pastor, my friend in a U-Haul to see him off one last time. The stories flew around our heads absorbing what we could of a man we loved and only got to know for nine months. Stories of how he has moved over twenty-five times throughout his ministry. Stories of how he has lugged this heavy family piano around all that time even though no one in the family ever learned to play. As we move the massive bed structure we learned that this is the first true bedroom set they have had in thirty-one years. We learned about how this is the first time they have ever had leather furniture. How he has never left a place after only nine months. How he had one had an accident on his motorcycle with his wife riding and was accused of helping the bike up first. The stories and the laugher were abundant that evening, it was good. I hugged Pastor Mark goodbye for one last time hoping that the contact will be kept through electronic means, knowing, however, that life will probably make it next to impossible.

I think about the short tenure of the Godly man and how much I grew in that short time. How a fire was lit again in a soul that had been dormant for years. How the boundaries of a Southern Baptist Church were pushed. How we were challenged to truly love, to truly worship, to truly think and to truly feel. How the mode of worship could change but the message was forever the same and true. That to really love someone was more than words but actions. He was a man of God and spoke God�s Word.

I feel disgusted that we as a church have failed so miserably. There is no excuse that will work; no explanation that will fulfill. We hopelessly and utterly failed. No matter what percentage of fault falls where, we failed. Where was our Christian understanding? Where was our Christian love? I guess we were to busy playing the part to actually live it. It makes it really hard to walk through those doors and feel the need to give to a people who are spiritually dead in a lot of ways.

Pastor Mark Hyskell
Pastor, First Baptist Church of Carl Junction, Jan 2004 – Sept 2004

You will be missed.

Man did you see the last episode of The Apprentice last night? Bill won, as I think he should have. Let me tell you though, Donald Trump SUCKS at live TV. He was driving me crazy with his constant looking at the teleprompter. At one point he was suppose to be talking to Bill yet kept looking a little left and down of the camera! I hate it when guest on Saturday Night Live do this, but come on, how long did he have to memorize his lines? With all that money you think he could afford on of those memory expansion programs we all see and hear on infomercials. He couldn’t even talk in complete sentences. I love the show, but no more live TV please.

On a side note, congratulations to Ed on the birth of his son Edward John Emmanuel III, his legacy lives on. I am definitely reminded of Nathan Ketchum’s words on this one, “If God won’t stop you, the government should!”

nothing to blog about but just had to put something up.

such a loser!

“Looks don’t matter it is what is on the inside.” Isn’t this the line we get feed all the time by women? Aren’t we told a woman wants someone who will communicate, be romantic, listen, share hopes and dreams, etc? Well I think this has finally been proven slightly wrong. First women want looks and then use the other stuff to weed out the others. Now I am not saying guys are any different but at least we don’t fool ourselves into thinking looks don’t matter. They absolutely matter and they matter big time. Giving a choice between two women, one that is attractive but maybe a little bit of a ditz or one that is really sweet, smart, caring but just not very attractive, the guy is going to give the nod to the attractive women. Now I know what you are thinking, “Thanks for this little rant Captain Obvious!” Yet, there is a reason for my little rant.

I watched the finale of Average Joe 2 last night. If you don’t know the premise of the show let me explain. A very attractive woman is brought on the show and told she is going to meet a group of guys. She is to weed them out till she finds the one that she could continue a relationship with. This is really a setup like The Bachelor or The Bachelorette except for the fact that the first group of guys that step off the bus are just average guys. They are average or below average in many aspects of their appearance. Later in the show a group of studs are brought in to compete against the average Joes for the heart of the beauty. She has to eliminate guys from each group until she comes down to one from each group. She then has to choose the one for her.

Now what really chapped my hide about this finale was whom she chose. Throughout the whole process she was telling us how she needs someone romantic, someone who listens, someone who will open up and share their heart with her, someone with a great personality, etc. These were the MOST important qualities that she was looking for. And as you could guess, the average Joe had all these qualities but was only average in looks. The stud was very guarded, didn’t open up, had the personality of a dead squirrel and may have had arterial motives but was very handsome. She winded up picking the stud and let the average Joe go. Then later on their little romantic, tropical get away she reveals to the stud that her ex-boyfriend was Fabio and he winds up getting mad and leaving her high and dry. It really was sweet justice.

Now I am not upset that she would pick the stud even though the other man would have treated her like a queen. It was the fact that she tried to fool herself and us into thinking that looks don’t matter. Just admit it! Looks matter! Not only that but looks matter first and foremost! I am not saying the other things are not important, but you use those other things as weed out criteria when a choice comes between two people that are comparable in looks. This is no great revelation. I just was reminded how guys don’t lie to themselves and that most woman do (for whatever reasons). I guess nice guys always do finish last.

What are your thoughts?