“Fascinating. Semmi, look at this. America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, you can throw out broken glass on the streets.”
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I have a dream! I have a dream that one day I will be able to hop in my car in the morning and go for a little drive. And in this dream this drive would take me to the land of milk, honey and espresso, the land of Starbucks. I would stroll up to the counter and order myself a Venti Caramel Mochaccino. I would be satisfied in my purchase. I would feel whole. The reason this is a dream is because….
….I LIVE IN THE CESSPOOL OF AMERICA!
I have to live in the only area with a population of over 100,00 people in a 20 mile radius that does not have a Starbucks! ( Note: if this is not true don’t let me know, just bite me
) Oh don’t you worry, we can have a billion Walmart stores each one block apart, we can have Billy Bob’s deep-fried pork fat, we can have every fast food joint in existence, but no Starbucks. I mean sure, I understand. They are just so rare. I mean they are not national or anything. Lord knows the Midwest doesn’t need another vice to add to the list that includes tobacco spit swallowing and incest. Just give me my Starbucks!
I am not even asking for a place that distributes high quality coffee. I would just take a simple Starbucks that servers up its average brew daily. Instead I have to travel 45 minutesfor the opportunity to purchase a Fudge Brownie Frappuccino and eat at Chili’s. Why do I subject myself to such torture? We aren’t even talking fine dining here.
I have anidea why we don’t have this glorious establishment. I think it is because they could not sell enough of their high priced, black gold to survive. I mean Joe Redneck is going to spend all his extra money on lottery tickets, the complete baseball card set of Nascar and Flat Tire beer. He does not have the extra green to buy cappuccino when he has got to budget in those weekly mullet trimmings, the inevitable trips to the dentist from performing too many backyard wrestling moves and the razor setthat will be used to shave the perfect 3 in his back hair in memory of the the late, great Dale Earnhardt. Let’s not forget the duds he will have to purchase, Big Smith overalls, a flannel shirt and John Deere baseball cap, so he can take his second cousin on a romantic date to Denny’s. What is left over is going to have to go for condoms so he can make sweet, passionate love to his cousin in front ofthe roaring light of a bug zapper, listening to Billy Ray Cyrus and drinking box wine. No time or money for a good cup of coffee there.
Man this place sucks. I am going to go shoot myself now.
