“Oh… guys? Don’t stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.”
…………………………..
There are a few things in this wide world that I just take for granted:
- When you throw things up in the air, they fall back down
- That no matter how hard I try I can’t fly
- That for every action there is a reaction
- That if you put trash in a trashcan the janitor will take it out, as it would be classified as trash
These are just a few simple truths that to me seem pretty solid. These are things you can count on, simple laws of everyday life. Yet as I have recently discovered, one of these laws, in reality, is just a theory. The law in question would be the following: If you put trash in a trashcan that the janitor will empty it for you. To make sure that the other so called laws are in fact just that I performed a few experiments, being the good scientist I am.
First, throwing a large cup of yogurt into the air will spatter all over your wife’s freshly vacuumed carpet. You will then have to spend the next five hours lick cleaning said carpet as she digs her heels into your spine while screaming, “And to think I could have married your brother!”
Secondly, no matter how many times you tell yourself that your Superman, you can not fly. What winds up happening is you look like a complete idiot standing on top of your child’s swing set, dressed in red underwear and yelling over and over again, “I am the next Superhero , I can fly and I am darn sexy in this outfit!” Only to realize seconds later, as you hit the ground breaking your arm, you were sadly mistaken. As a side note, neighbors do not particularly like you running around in red underwear and tend to file indecent exposure charges against you.
Thirdly, you can definitely get a reaction for an extremely up front action. For example, by walking up to a random person and calling his mother a stupid piece of @#!$% that couldn’t even afford to @$#%*#@!$^#% and might as well @#$%& while @*$!@#$ a donkey will most assuredly get your teeth knocked in. And this law is not gender biased. You will experience a mighty kick to the gonads if you walk up to a random women and express your interest in caressing her @!#$%^.
But oh how foolish was I on the final law! I should have realized that such a simple action would not necessarily be taken as law by others. Silly me! Let me give you some background information as to when I made such a discovery.
When discarding boxes that are lying on the floor at my current place of employment you must mark “TRASH” on them. This is so the janitor does not accidentally throw away your Enterprise version of JBuilder worth $5000. Why would such a valuable piece of software be located on the floor you ask? Well that is none of your business, so shut up! I actually like this rule very much. It clearly establishes what is and what is not trash that is lying around on your office floor. It also re-establishes that items should really be considered trash when you have deposited them in the tool known as the trashcan. Now I know I am not introducing any new concepts here. You may even be saying, “I already know this, isn’t this a fundamental law?” Ah hah, this is were you would be wrong!
The other day I received some lovely shipments from one of my favorite online stores, amazon.com. The boxes the items arrived in were small and could easily be deposited in the trashcan. I did so foolishly thinking that it would clearly mark them as trash. Well to make a long story slightly longer, the trash was not emptied the next day. Not only were the boxes not thrown away the trash that was beneath them was not taken out either. This was a problem as that particular trash had some left over lunch in it and was starting to smell. Besides the fact that some other form of life was currently growing out of the trash receptacle. This little adventure has proved that fundamental laws are only applicable to people who are not dumb. I will never again take such assumptions as law again. I will truly cherish what fundamental laws we have left.
The lesson to learn from this little blurb is this:
Daily affirmation will not make you hair grow back, spandex is a privilege not a right and always wear a cup when telling a girl you would love to see her @#$%!.
